Coincidentally I met Sylvia the day I quit hospice. She was referred to me by a poet living in England, named Gerald England. She emailed me that she was a poet, happened to be living in my town and had stage IV liver cancer. We quickly arranged a meeting. We met at her favorite hang out, the Starbucks about one fourth mile from her house. She looked more healthy than most and was a vivacious German beauty. She was into metaphysics and denial as long as possible.

Sylvia quickly introduced me into new age therapies such as Reiki and ancient wisdom written by long hard to pronounce names. Soon after meeting we recorded our poetry together, did podcasts about poetry and life. She published a book, In The Garden of Illness, did a book signing at Barnes and Nobles. I enlisted an artist friend to write a book review which appeared in the El Paso Times. She taught a writing workshop for Tumblewords. I made a web site for her. Ironically, she said she had to be dying to feel this alive!

For the first six months I knew her she kept a hearty appetite for everything poetic and delicious, then her world lessened. She answered her phone less, ate less and she could no longer tolerate the five minute ride to Starbucks to meet her friends.

Sylvia could still be enticed into a phone conversation occasionally, although she started out by saying she was too tired to talk long but would proceed to talk for seventy minutes enthusiastically about the current wisdom she was reading…until the day came that she renounced everything saying that it was all just talk and meant nothing. We agreed that all the “wisdom” was at best tools for us or just pointers to something not the something itself. These renunciations did not make her hopeless. She had finally synthesized all that she had read into a wisdom that pointed to herself where she found peace.

She began to sleep more. Morphine and fentanyl were constantly needed and no food was her friend. The next to the last visit I saw her she laughed about her canes, calling them fashion for the handicapped. She apologized about her slow speech and her inability to wax poetic. Then she surprised me with a robe jumpsuit like the one she was wearing saying she was giving them to all her friends. She said she felt like she was being hugged when she wore hers and wanted her friends to feel they were getting a hug from her when they wore theirs.

Our last phone conversation she told me she had just returned from a psychic fair to get an aura photo. A five minute ride, fifteen minutes there, five minutes back and she was wiped out. She was in bed holding her cell phone. I told her when she needed to sleep to let me know and I would let her go.

She told me for seven years she had gotten an aura photo. She liked to put them together and compare. I asked what did the last one show? Written interpretation: She was at peace and would join the great void soon. Amazing. “I have to sleep now,” she said.

My last visit she lay in bed deep asleep. Her husband called her name but she did not stir. I began to stroke her cheek. She smiled but could not speak or move. Her husband called her name again. She opened her eyes and stared unfocused for a moment and then closed them. It was her 47th birthday. Silent tears flowed down my face. I tried hard to keep my voice from wavering. I was disappointed in myself because she was at peace and would not want sadness around her. But grief is an unpredictable weather, a reminder of the temporal delicacy of created things lunging into eternity. I knew this was my last visit.

Today I received a phone message that Sylvia died 3-21-08. Another coincidence. Sylvia was reborn on the first day of Spring with daffodils and purple leaf plums trees blooming in the transitional chill.

I wear the gift of Sylvia. She keeps me warm.

Probably the Truth



All my life

my being has been

intense drama in my preceptors:

ultra passions with

multi-layered meaning

and sensations.

All the awesome beauty I've endured,

laughed and cried

through the stratosphere...

I believed it was shared

and understood.



People reacted to

my warmth and love

but they were not there

with me

but trapped in their own meanings

and needs.

Neither was I there for them

but trapped in my wild pleasures

and weighted misplacements.



It is the illusions we share

not the actual path.

The most fantastic journey

each must take alone.




--
http://BelindaSubraman.com
Written and spoken word by Belinda and friends, news, blog and links to great sites

http://belinda_subraman.podomatic.com
Click to hear show and view show descriptions and photos.

http://myspace.com/belindasubraman
networking site full of fun

You can click on the show in the player a few entries below this one.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SAM OLIVER

Sam has cared for the needs of the dying in palliative care for over 16 years. During that time, Sam has served as the Chair, and now, Co-Chair of the Hospice Ethics Committee at the Hospice Care Center of VNS in Akron, Ohio. He has served several years as a State Continuing Education Chairperson for the Association of Professional Chaplains. For well over a decade, Sam has been an active editorial review board member and contributing writer for Healing Ministry Journal, The Journal of Terminal Oncology, and The American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care.

Sam began his speaking about spiritual care over 15 years ago and continues to speak at public engagements on the local, national, and international levels. He has spoke at several college campuses and keynoted at several Hospice Conferences. His first book of four "What the Dying Teach Us: Lessons on Living" is a National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization selection.

Sam's undergraduate study was at Georgetown College with a B.A. in Psychology. He received his Master of Divinity @ The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky with an emphasis in the Pastor/Teacher track. In 2003, Sam Oliver finished his post-graduate certificate in Healthcare Ethics through Rush University in Chicago, IL. Presently, Reverend Doctor Samuel Lee Oliver is the Chaplain at the Hospice Care Center of VNS in Akron, Ohio.

Double click on the show in my player or download free from iTunes under the name Belinda Subraman Presents in the podcast catagory. You may also download it free from http://belinda_subraman.podomatic.com


Please forward message to your friends.


Donna Henes, the award-winning author of THE QUEEN OF MY SELF: STEPPING INTO SOVEREIGNTY IN MIDLIFE.Donna Henes has become known as the "Midlife Midwife" helping women transition into their mature power and fulfill their best potential at this stage of their lives. As the influential "60s generation" reaches their 60s, we are poised to welcome a new era of freedom, profound thought, innovation, and bravery which will have far-reaching effects in the world.

Personal, anecdotal, funny, and wise, THE QUEEN OF MY SELF has received praise from Dr. Christiane Northrup, Olympia Dukakis, Jennifer Louden, and Susun Weed, among others. And the response from women across the country has been overwhelming.

Donna writes a weekly column for UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum. The author of The Moon Watcher's Companion and Celestially Auspicious Occasions, she maintains a full schedule of workshops, lectures, readings, and retreats, as well as an e-mail newsletter, and has for the past four years been "Visionary in Residence" at the Omega Institute.

You can find out more about Donna Henes at her website, http://www.thequeenofmyself.com

Special Note: ANYONE EXPERIENCING TROUBLE WITH OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, ESPECIALLY BEING DENIED COVERAGE FOR CRITICAL PROCEDURES PLEASE CALL 206-333-1928 and leave your story on my voice mail. If you prefer you may send your story via email to gypsysubmissions@yahoo.com

I am lying on the couch typing on an old laptop connected by Lynx to my other computers because I think I am too tired to sit up right. It’s very hot on my lap though and I’m always hot…and tired. Excessive bleeding, joint and abdominal pain, frequent shortness of breath, elevated blood pressure and pulse, trouble sleeping, frequent bowel spasms and activity and nausea at any time for no apparent reason are no fun either. I could put up with all this but the 3 nearly fatal choking incidences this week due to my triple sized thyroid has convinced me that it has too be shrunk before I die stupidly before my time. I now see the wisdom of the damned radioactive iodine. The freaking PTU does little for my symptoms and nothing toward shrinking. It’s that or surgery. Surgery is too drastic at this point unless they know its cancer. There have been several bossy people trying to tell me what to do or implying I’m not really sick. I wonder why they feel the need to do that? Everyone’s situation is different and nobody knows what it’s like to be someone else or have their exact set of circumstances and symptoms. So I’m not looking for any medical advice here. I have a brain and a certain amount of medical knowledge as well. I have studied this situation from all angles.

I recently saw Michael Moore’s “Sicko.” His basic premise is correct. Our medical system is unfair and leaves many people behind. You can nitpick and find fault all you want but how can you reasonably deny the basic premise? There is so much Michel Moore hatred out there. I don’t understand. Okay I guess people are going to let me have it on this one. Comments are welcome but no Anonymous ones. If I have the guts you can too. Go ahead and listen to my remarks on the healthcare system at http://belinda_subraman.podomatic.com before dishing it out, okay?

Something quite interesting happened this week. The nurse I share an office with, the facility’s treatment nurse, took a few days off to be with her husband who is going through some tests and possibly surgery. Dee, a PRN (as needed) nurse, took her place for this week. This happens to be a nurse who was working at another facility with me about 10 years ago when I did an eight month stint as a CNA (certified nurse’s aide). I had already applied and had been accepted to nursing school for the fall of that year and I wanted to experience the environment for a variety of reasons. It just so happens I kept a poetry journal of the experiences and put a collection together which a few years latter won a monetary prize and publication. I dedicated the book to a nurse and an aide that I respected where I worked. When it was published I could only find the nurse and gave him a few extra copies. One of them wound up in Dee’s hand. (I would have given her one had I known where she was at the time). I did not know she had one. At some point in our conversation she mentioned having a little book from someone who had worked in a nursing home. She said it was really good but she didn’t remember who had written it. I told her I had written something similar and told her my pen name. She came back the next day with a dog eared copy. There is some indication that it is being passed around and read by the staff but I don’t know how many and I don’t want to know. Isn’t it funny how things come back to you?

On another interesting note, another internet radio station has picked up my Gypsy Art talk show. It’s out of the U.K.: TYNE FM at http://tynefm.com It’s a 24 hour streaming radio. So, I updated all my web sites, adding a live link to their site.

Downloads for my show have increased considerably over the past several weeks both in terms of numbers and countries. I’ve picked up listeners in Morocco, Kenya, Russia, Turkey, Hungary, Sweden, Norway, Finland, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Qatar plus all over Western Europe and the US. Is this ham radio or what?

Monday, I understand we will all be given a turkey at work to take home for our Thanksgiving dinner. Since I knew I wouldn’t cook it or have anywhere to store it, etc. I’ve already found a home for it. Javier, the other unit manager who started the same time I did has a family and a few kids and loves meat products. We also help each other each week on “skin rounds” where we physical check our residents for any signs of breakdown so we can get treatment for them before they get bad. (Thankfully there are very few such problems in the whole facility).

Another tidbit: I’ve have a few new friends of the male variety. I’ve met a well respected and well published author who has been on the best seller list and was nominated for a Pulitzer prize. He has led an exciting life and has many wonderful stories to tell. I am very happy to know him. I’ll probably be mentioning more about him later. And, on second thought, I don’t feel like mentioning anybody else now. More tidbits later.